Jamie's Footy Food Fight

"Zamora Tower Burger please...."

He's cooked up a storm around the world, played in a seminal Britpop band and taken on dinner ladies and the government. Now celebrated TV chef personality Jamie Oliver is two-footed tackling his toughest opponent yet - matchday cuisine. This week saw preliminary meetings between Oliver and catering staff at Fulham FC, with the aim of "de-nastifying" the food on sale at Craven Cottage, and hopefully bettering the half-time intake of football fans throughout the land.
    "It's a f**king disgrace", said the ex-naked chef, holding open a Cottage Quarter-Pounder, one of the most popular items on the matchday menu. "There's nothing wrong with a nice burger; beef, onion, herbs, seasoning, bish, bash, bosh. But this is a shiny shite." His greatest ire, however, was saved for when he was told that the pork content of a Fulham Footlong hotdog was a mere 14 percent. "That's not even half a banger, let alone a sausage" he said, and when asked to speculate on what made up the other 86 percent, replied, "eye'oles, ear'oles and arse'oles mate, rusk and all that bollocks. Rusk never sleeps, fake food."
    Helping Jamie in his latest crusade was Fulham's Australian goalkeeper Mark Schwartzer. "It's not on", said the 6ft 5in stopper, coming for and flapping at the point. "Why should the lads on the pitch have to eat Caesar Salad and tofu bangers and the fans get all the good stuff? I've let in goals because I've been put off by the delicious smell from the stands."
    Fulham's Head of Food, Gerry Garcia, added, "I think there's a popular misconception that terrace food has to be contained within some kind of holdable shell - burgers, pasties, hotdogs - but that doesn't have to be so." He then went on to outline plans for Fulham's caterers to follow the example of player-specific cuisine set by The Mixer snack van outside Middlesbrough's Riverside Stadium in the 1990s, where the Gazza Burger (burger, donner meat, chilli sauce, garlic mayo, option to make it a meal deal by adding a pint of red wine) and the Juninho Burger (burger with salsa) were major sellers. Jamie-approved items proposed for the menu at Fulham include the Chicken Salcido (spicy burrito homage to the new Mexican left-back), the Clint D Double Dog (two 85% pork sausages in a bap), and Gera's Golden Goalash (Hungarian favourite, goulash) as well as the planned-to-be-everpresent Craven Cottage Pie. "Like the manager, we're going to have to rotate our players in order to keep them fresh", said Garcia. "We hope our fans will enjoy the fine Fulham food and we'll make loads of cash."